I don't know what's going to happen to me in the future. These 3 days, I've not been feeling well. I tend to lose patience and get angry. These few days, I'd stomachache and I wasn't in a good mood to work. Every time I go to my workplace, I'll look angrily. I've problems again... Firstly, one of my friends who's in the massage class is learning the computer from me. but because she knows most of the things about computer, she says my class is very boring. Since I'm teaching the basic course now, I just concentrate on keyboard help and typing using microsoft word. I just ask the students to memorize the positions of a till z and numbers and so on. I introduce to them what's keyboard for few days already till they can understand. However, one of my students who is a female who knows most of the things about computer kept complaining, "Boring! boring! boring! why don't you teach new things? Do you have other alternative?" That makes me angry. Since I kept in my heart for too long, I told her, "What suggestions do you have for my teaching?" and She said, "How do I know? You are the teacher." And, I was angry again by saying, "Others never complain my lesson is boring. You are the only one complaining. I can't only think of you. I've to teach all the others who are new to computer." I answered her angrily. She scolded or answered me back, "Ruth, I think if you go to KL, you need to change yourself. You are easily quick tempered. Why don't you cool down?" I was really angry by her words as I thought I got angry with reasons. Number 1, she is thinking only of herself. Number 2, she is selfish not giving me the alternative of how I can improve my teaching. I told her, "I'm an untrained teacher and never get experience of teaching before. This is my first time teaching." I don't want to hate my friend but she has wounded and hurt me. Please understand my feeling before you say anything okay... Give me chance to improve as I've been working only for few weeks... I've tried my very best to teach. First method, I teach one by one as everyone is calling on me and wants to ask me questions. Secondly, I'll test all the students at the same time. However, I found that teaching one by one works better than the second one. So, I'm really stress out... Everyday, I worry whether ppl understand my teaching and worry about the teaching plan... Furthermore, this afternoon an Englishman from Scotland was observing me teaching at the same time taking photo of me. I asked the photographer, "Is my strategies of teaching okay?" He said, "You are a great teacher." I was a little nervous. I'm wondering is everything my failure? I just think that if I don't teach well or ppl don't understand what I teach, everything is my fault. Life as a teacher is never easy. I really force myself to teach as I need to be committed to my work. that's why I don't have time to sit down as there is no place and everyone is calling on me and I've to check on them. I'll ask my students, "are you okay?" or "do you understand?" But my female student and another person not related to take this lesson say I never ask. I feel angry of being accused. I'm going to complain to my boss sometime. I'll complain without telling them. I don't care whether they get angry with me. I don't care who is going to read my blog. If you know you have hurt me, it's my freedom to write about what I'm going through on my blog. Hey... Those who are not supposed to come to my lesson, please go out of this class... You are disturbing my lesson... I didn't tell them today instead I just kept to myself. but I'm going to tell my boss. Luckily when I got angry, it was almost the end of the lesson and the photographer went home already. Sometimes, I don't feel like teaching. Maybe I can suggest to my boss whether my female student can be excluded from the basic course since he's mastered the course. I only teach one female student and the rest are males. Another man, about 55 years old, wasn't willing to learn. I understand that older ppl get tired easily. However, when I go to him and ask him something, only then he starts to touch the computer. When I go to other students, he will just sit there and do nothing. I'm very angry... How to control my temper???I worry non stop nowadays. Always worrying the same thing. I even worry about my private problem but I'm not going to write here. Glad that my friend will bring me out tomorrow night. She is a doctor and she will bring me to visit the psychiatrist. Should I tell him my probs? I don't think he has the time but I'll try... another problem I'm facing today. A male student just registered with the centre yesterday seemed to be interested with me. He asked me very strange and personal questions. at first, he took me to the computer room and accompanied me for awhile. He sat next to me and asked me to touch his face... I thought I should learn to say no but I couldn't as I was afraid. He asked me again, "Do you have a boyfriend?" I said, "no". He asked me this question for a few times. I felt insecure. He asked me again, "Do you have a handphone?" I said, "no but I'm going to buy next week." He ask me again, "If you have handphone, can you give me the number as the first person?" I feel strange and something is really not right with him. I asked him, "why?" He kept asking me personal questions and my face turned red. He asked why is your face red? I was afraid to tell him that he does is not right. He asked me whether I felt he's not right. I said, "no" even though in my heart, I felt he's hurt me. When he went off, I cried as I couldn't stand and was confused of what has happened to me. I've lots of experience. how?? Luckily, the photographer who is an Englishman came early when I was alone. I told him of my problem even though I only met him the second time as I really can't stand. He said he can tell my boss but I discourage him to do so as I don't feel like sharing this problem to my boss at the moment. Another problem is I can't find peace at home... Parents are always quarreling... They quarreled very badly again yesterday till I really hate them... Hey... Please don't think of yourself... Please think of others... You only want others to understand you but you never understand me and others.... When you are sick, someone is not scolding you but when you are better, you start to sin again... and, you only pretend to pray in front of me and I really disrespect you... This morning, I don't know what's wrong with me again. Someone asked me," something is not right with you." I answered," something is not right with you instead of me." For those of you who have no idea who I'm talking about, please keep quiet and don't ask me about that... For those of you who know, please do join in prayer with me.. I need to have peace at home and at work.. The Bible says we can gain peace through our Lord Jesus Christ. Very often, I'm affected by environment. Everything is not easy. I read about forgiveness in the Christian perspection. It's not easy to apply. Even though my boss says I'm very responsible and committed, I felt I've lack one thing: and the thing is patience and determination to face my daily challenges.. That's why some ppl say they are afraid of polite ppl as they will keep everything to themselves and burn out everything when they really can't stand. I'm this type of person. I don't know what to teach tomorrow. I feel like not teaching. When I'm sick, I still do my work but I just feel insecure and unhappy with things around. I'm worried I'll suffer from depression. I don't want to take medication. but sometimes, I talk to myself. Ppl thought I'm crazy. When I share my probs with someone., they see that my face turns to be sad and I sound sad too. not only my emotional but physical as well.. How come this life is full of pain? How to use my pain as someone' else's gain? I'm responsible since I was a younger teenager. When I was in form 1-3, I really forced myself to study. Every time after meal, I just studied and studied. Until one day when I was in form 4, I realized that I couldn't do that anymore. I couldn't force my body to study non-stop. So when I was in form 6, I got tired easily and each time when I'm tired, I must rest. Now, I realize I feel more tired when working compared to studying. Luckily, this morning my friend brought me out for awhile and I met my friends whom I didn't meet for quite sometime. I need to stop uttering negative words but it can't be done overnight. sometimes, I have high expectation of myself. I expect I can achieve things fast. I've to end here.
Dear readers, please continue to pray for me :family, studies, career and future. Although I was feeling very tired today, I just want to pour my feeling here. Sorry if anything hurts.
May God bless you all richly.
No comments:
Post a Comment