Life Challenges part 3

I feel desperate. I really feel desperate. I really, really need words of comfort from all of you who read my blog. There are many bad things happening to me.. I feel offended, sad, stressed out and burden by problems. Many people have hurt me by their words and the way they treat me. I don't care who read my blog this time. No matter my teachers, friends or my family members. I want to express my anger and sadness here. I have heartache. I hate my teachers. I hate some of my teachers. As a blind girl, I dislike people talking to me loudly or raising there voice when talking to me or teaching in class. There are only 15 students in my class and I'm the only Chinese students. I don't understand why should my teacher shout or raise her voice when teaching? Maybe it's her nature of talking but I can't accept that. Again I say, I hate my PP teacher, a Malay teacher. When I ask her questions, she will shout at me and offend me by words. 2 days ago, I almost cried but I tried to control myself. When students ask her questions, she always say our brain's can be sold if we ask questions. To me she is being harsh. I feel deaf when I here her talking loudly and I can't concentrate on her teaching. When I hate the teacher, I'll automatically hate the subject. Today, she punished me by paying her Rm 1 for not separating my answers on different pieces of papers during the 1st semester examination. What's the money for? This world is so unfair. I also feel that my PA teacher is unfair to the blind students. He wants to buy magazine for the whole class. However we, blind students can't read the magazine and the normal students are not willing to read for us as well. Teacher said even we are blind and cannot read the magazine, we also need to pay Rm5 for the magazine. I'm forced to pay. Apart from that, I also hate my BM teacher. 3 blind students are using braille machine when typing. She says our machines are very noisy and she feel stressed by the noise. When she reads notes for us, the faster we braille, the faster she reads. so we are chasing her. I feel that most of my teachers are not sincere as they feel that blind students are a burden to them. Why are some people not careful when talking? Can't they think before they talk? Why are some people sensitive to others' feelings whereas others are not sensitive? Is it good to be sensitive? I have more burden when I have to do the brailling myself. My teacher ask me to photostat a book and ask me to braille myself. I've lots of things to braille and I've my limitations also. My mum also needs to do her work and can't help me 24 hours. Why do my friends and teachers blame my mum? They are very irresponsible. They think it's easy to braille and edit the notes. Why don't they ask the resos teachers to do? Some of the teachers are very lazy... As a student, my job is to study. Brailling all the books is not my job. I feel that it's not worth studying form 6. Form 6 is a waste of time. I feel hopeless. I'm worried about my results. My marks dropped tremendously. I need to work hard but how??? How how how??? I'm angry with life. I feel like killing myself. I wonder why do some people who are not serious in there studies are able to achieve better results than those who study hard. Some people are very proud. Isn't it pride comes before fall? Some of my friends who are proud and not helpful are doing well in there studies even they like to play. Sometimes I feel that God is unfair. I think that all my challenges are God's tests. I'm really sensitive to how people talk to me and how they treat me. Sometimes I'll get hurt when teachers do not pay attention to me when teaching. All my classmates who are blind also do not like teachers who talk loud. I'm afraid to ask teachers questions as I'm afraid of being scolded. That's why I don't have the courage to ask questions. There is a saying that goes, "He who ask is a fool for 5 minutes. He who never ask is a fool forever." Does it mean that I'm a fool forever? I'm confused. There is also a saying, "To be a great champion, you must believe that you are the best." Does it mean that I must think that I'm the best in this world and no one is better than me in this world? I'm really confused by all these sayings. I don't know how to stop getting hurt. I get hurt and offended easily. Sometimes I can't take things positively. I get angry very fast with people who have hurt me. I lose interest to study. I don't know why.. When I was in form 1 till 3, I could finish all my homework in a day but not now. I hardly finish all my homework in a day. I feel that I'm a failure. I feel that life is not worth living. Sometimes I give up on God especially when I'm tired. I need rest when I'm tired. I wonder how students who take medicine course study. Do they study 24 hours per day? We are not a robot, right? Sometimes I feel that I dislike studying as some of the subjects are boring. However we need to study as we are motivated and disciplined to do so. I also have difficulties in making decisions. Our school will be holding a dinner soon and I don't feel like going. It's a waste of money. I can only go out when I get permission from my parents. My mum says now form 6 is the most important in my life. If I go out it's a waste of time. I dislike going out with untrustworthy friends too. I also dislike my mum nagging all the time. Everyday, my mum advice me to study hard. I know I should study hard but I just don't want her to say this everyday. When she starts saying this, I get angry with her. I'm also angry with some of my friends. These 3 days, my dad is not around and I followed my friend home. I told her that I only got band 3 for my MUET result. She look down on my abilities and said getting band 3 is enough for me as I'm a blind student and cannot compete with normal students. I feel discouraged by her words. How can she say that? She even said it's better for my mum to send me home even she past by my house. We live in the same area. I feel that she is not willing to send me home. I'm really angry when people say getting grade B or C is enough for me. I also need to improve myself, right? Some people say I only need to concentrate on my piano. They say blind people cannot study and blind people can only make friends with the blind and the handicapped. They also say blind people cannot make friends with normal people. I feel hurt... I can't forgive people who say this. I also feel discouraged by my teachers. I don't know how to be assertive. Sometimes I feel that people offend me as they purposely do that. A friend of mine told me that people want to offend us as they want us to improve. However I disagree with him. Some people tend to ask questions that I dislike and when we tell them more, they will ask more. I really feel angry and offended. How how how??? Sometimes I feel that the church members are hypocrite too. I feel that they will grumble when I ask them to send me to church. When they ask me, "Where is your brother?" I feel that they don't want and are not willing to send me. Isn't it good if all of us have attitude like Jesus? When I ask money from my mum, she said, "Why didn't you ask from dad?" I also have to help my friends edit their notes and play piano. I'm forcing myself even I've lots of work to do. How? I also feel that their are many bad friends in this world. How to solve friendship problem? That's all for today. Please email me or leave comments to me after reading this post. Thanks.