Life Challenges Part 2

Today, I would like to share my experiences and ask some questions. I'm wondering whether we can be perfect men and women. I'm confused. How to be a perfectionist? Some of my teachers, for example my piano and History teachers, want every student to be perfect in their lessons. However now I've stopped learning piano. My piano teacher often told me that I should be perfect when playing: without mistakes. How? Should I be perfect? No one is perfect in this world, right? That's why we all make mistakes. Now, about pride and humbleness. The Bible tells us to be humble in the Lord in every action that we are doing. However some people say I should be proud if I get the best results in my studies or piano. Should I be? Some people are proud until they don't need friends to talk too. This is not a good attitude. They think that they can always be the best and start to look down on others' abilities. They also try to discourage others with their abilities. I'm really confused about whether to be proud or humble. Some people say we cannot be too humble in life. Now, I'm still confused between independence and dependence on the Lord. Should we be independent or depend on the Lord? Now, about my life as a blind student. I'm currently studying in Upper 6 and going through many challenges. As a student, I always have to Braille notes on my own and ask my mum to read for me. Some of my classmates are not willing to help. They don't understand how I feel as a blind student. Some of my teachers are also trying to accuse me. I've to do double or triple work and I've to put more effort than normal students. I've to scan all my books and edit them. One of my teachers told me that as a blind student, I should be studying more than others who can see. It's true. However I'm doubtful whether the teacher meant that I shouldn't rest or sleep enough? Should I put too much pressure on myself? Is pressure good? Pressure can be good but too much pressure will cause harm to us no matter a student or working adult. I'm also confused about human's behaviour. I'm wondering how come this world is full of sin. I've questions that are hard to answer even by pastor. 1. How to love others? 2. How to love our enemies? 3. How to forgive others who have hurt us? 4. How do I know whether a person is good or bad? 5. How to change my mentality and be a positive thinker? 6. Why is it easy for some people to love others whereas some find it difficult to do so? All these questions I've been wondering for years and have not found the answers. I guess the answers are within myself. I also feel disappointed with my MUET result. I obtained grade 3 and each time during the exam, I always obtain the same grade. The highest and the best grade is 6. I've to work hard but I don't know how to plan my timetable. I injured my right leg last Friday. I fell down and twisted my leg and is still swollen now. I've not been going to school for 3 days and I'll be going to school tomorrow. Today, I feel angry and do not have peace in my heart. Actually I've lots of family problems however it's not good to share here. I can share generally here. I hate my mum and dad. I always quarrel with her. When I want to talk to her, she gets angry and I'll be even more angry. When I'm angry, I'll say, "I hate you mum." and I'll start hitting myself, banging the table and cry. My mum hurts me a lot with her words. She doesn't understand my feeling. She doesn't allow me to tell or share problems. She doesn't allow me to talk on the phone. Yesterday, when my pastor called me, she was angry with me. She keeps nagging and telling me that now I just need to focus on one thing: and the one thing is studies or STPM. I dislike my mum. She says I cannot rest and talk out my problems. almost everyday she says this. I totally disagree with my mum that when I've problems, I should just let them go and start studying as she also shares her own problems with others. I am getting hot now and that's why I post this here. I don't care if my mum would read this blog post however I don't hope she will scold me. I feel that my mum doesn't love me even though she reads notes to me. I also hate my dad as he is hypocrite. Sometimes I feel like running away from home but this doesn't solve my problems. My mum said because I'm blind, I've no friends or have little friends. I disagree with what she said. She said I'm useless, hopeless and stupid when things don't go well. I'm discouraged by my mum. I also feel depressed to go to school as there are many irresponsible and illogical teachers. In class, I'm the only Chinese and I find that I'm treated unfairly. I'm not a happy person and sometimes I just force myself to be happy and smile. When I don't have peace, I'll listen to Christian music but I'll still think of the problems. Sometimes I feel like dying and don't want to live anymore. However it keeps reminding me that there are many people who have worst problems than me. Some people say I should trust myself. Does it mean that I don't need to trust others? I feel that I'm not precious. I need help from pastors and trusted adults or friends. Please pray for me. Please give your comments via email at "wangtheen@gmail.com". That's all for today.